Gifts of Terror - Jesus arrested by INS.

I stumbled on the following article, and with all the civil rights infringements being discussed in the news recently, I felt it an appropriate holiday blog entry. If you enjoy it, check out for more from the author and others of sharp wit.

Gifts of Terror – From

Jesus arrested by INS.

by B.D. 2004.12.24

Editor's note: The following article was written on Christmas, 2002. Since we're flailing in a haze of eggnog, we just decided to regurgitate this one instead of penning anything new. Chew on that.

The long-awaited return of Jesus Christ took an unexpected turn on Thursday, December 19th when US immigration officials detained him in California. In attempting to comply with the statewide residential registration order that affects all adult males from a list of Middle Eastern countries, Christ and 500-700 Arab men from the Los Angeles area were arrested by the Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS).

Although they would not cite specific charges, the INS claimed that Christ had committed visa violations. “Mr. Christ had no proof of the Galilee, Nazareth or Bethlehem addresses he claimed to hold,” said an INS representative, who insisted on anonymity and a Groucho Marx style glasses-nose-mustache mask. “And the hand-written note from God he presented as evidence of his identity was obviously forged.”

Christ’s olive skin, long beard and affinity for shrouds, robes, cloaks, muumuus and capes made him look “very terroristy” said authorities. “We can’t pin anything on him right now,” said the INS spokeperson, “but we have informants who claim to have seen him roaming parts of Palestine with a suspicious-looking band of young brown men. They seemed religious.” Like Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden, Christ appears to be a charismatic leader capable of inspiring violence and martyrdom. “We suspect that Christ had something to do with a bloody series of attacks called the Crusades as well as several abortion clinic bombings,” said police, “but all we have right now are some minor charges for illegal water-to-wine manufacture.”

It is unclear if Christ had prior knowledge of the 9-11 attacks, but Department of Homeland Security officials are optimistic about gleaning valuable information from him through questioning, sleep deprivation and mind-numbing isolation. Due process will also be suspended. “We want to see if he knows anything about an individual named Allah whose name routinely surfaces on intercepted Al Qaeda transmissions,” said an unnamed source. “We’d very much like to hit Allah with a missile from an unmanned spy plane.”

Christ is currently awaiting deportation back to Jerusalem. “He says he bears a message of love and Christmas cheer,” says an INS official, “but that sounds quite a lot like the ‘gift of terror’ the Al Qaeda have been promising us. i hope my gift of terror is a loud explosion and lots of keloid scar tissue. Anyway, look at him, he’s way too swarthy to be a Christian.”