"What are you looking for?"

Several of my friends have been trying, in vain, to kick start my love life which has been parked in the garage for nearly 5 years now. The question they keep asking over and over again, is "what are you looking for?" It's been 5 years people - i'm about ready to settle for a pulse! But seriously, when you are asked the same question 800 times you actually start to make up an answer. I say "make up" because if their were an answer to this question I would have offered it up the first time I was asked. So here is what I have come up with, in no particular order:

  • Human*
  • Male*
  • Well read
  • Able to speak in complete English sentences*
  • Have opinions they can back up with more than a fist*
  • Enjoy NASCAR/Indy/F1 and/or soccer
  • Employed*
  • Be healthy, but not a muscleman - I need someone to do the heavy lifting, but a little padding around the middle makes for a better pillow than rock hard abs anyday!
  • Have no need to know my every waking thought, or tell me their's
  • Able to express themself be it verbal/written/visual
  • Psychologically stable/sane naturally or chemically
  • Enjoy non-Top 40 music
  • Willingness to deal with a manic creative exhibiting morbid delusions of grandure
  • Enjoy being outside, particularly in the woods, saying nothing for hours on end
  • Be adventurous/not tied to a structured routine
  • Play Monopoly, because not playing Monopoly is just un-American
  • Older than my baby brother, younger than my father
  • Eat meat indiscriminately - you can't knock squirrel until you've tried it
  • Be felony-free
  • Appreciate sarcasm*
* non-negotiable